(In)visibly Bisexual
Taking a walk down bisexual memory lane to celebrate and yet again reclaim visibility
Vol. 48
In This Issue: ESSAY | NOW READ THIS | FINAL FRAME
My earliest, clear memory of bisexual feelings was watching “Dirty Dancing” on VHS. It was almost certainly my older sister who rented it and showed it to me, probably when I was about eight or nine years old.
I didn’t know the word “bisexual” yet, and I didn’t fully clock that what I was feeling was sexual attraction to both of the main characters. That didn’t stop the experience from making a long-lasting impact. I’m still drawn to a certain kind of strong-willed, curly-haired woman to this day, thanks to Jennifer Gray’s character. And Patrick Swayze as Johnny? A major root when it comes to my lifelong love of dancers.
Many, many years later I can also look back and understand that Swayze’s character was not only someone I found sexually attractive, but also provided some early Gender Expression Goals. His combination of masculine strength and dancer sensuality, plus the leather jacket = hell yeah I wanted that for myself. Confession: I may have once given myself a slight case of TMJ after years of trying to clench my jaw to make the muscles dance the way Swayze’s did when he was brooding or angry. It was so hot! I thought it made me look cool. Instead it just made my jaw bones click.
Another bisexual awakening: The 1995 movie “Hackers,” starring Angelina Jolie and Johnny Lee Miller. I still watch this movie at least once a year, to be honest. Is it an objectively great film? Absolutely not. Is it a fun romp with a killer mid-’90s techno soundtrack and a very queer-coded cast? Absolutely yes.
When “Hackers” was released, I rented it myself from the video store down the road from my house where the owners knew me by name (and my then somewhat uncanny resemblance to Winona Ryder). I was 14 years old by then and much more aware that the fascination I felt for the lead actors was very much a sexual thing. I think I was vaguely aware of the word “bisexual,” though I still wasn’t ready to embrace the label for myself. It would take several more years of working through my own internalized biphobia to get there, but I’ve identified with it ever since.
So we’re all on the same page, I use the common definition for bisexuality that is to have the capacity to be attracted to one’s same gender and people with different genders. It’s not about a binary. Especially as a genderqueer/nonbinary person myself, it never made sense to limit anything, though my awareness and embrace of a variety of gender identities has certainly grown and changed a lot over the years. Newer terms like “pansexual” mean generally the same thing and are gaining in popularity, at least somewhat (though not entirely) as a response to the perception that bisexuality excludes trans, non-binary, and agender people (which it does not). But hey, use the words that feel right to you! I think I keep using “bisexual” for myself because it was all I had when I was first coming out, and because it’s always felt important for me to show others that bisexual people can look and be all kinds of ways.
Because there were and sadly continue to be a lot of myths and prejudices about and against bisexuality.
An example: The idea that committing to a partner of one or another gender means a person has “chosen a side,” and magically becomes straight or gay, etc. But guess what? You’re still bi no matter who you’re partnered with (or if you’re solo)!
I’ve been with my partner Nick for 20 years now (holy moly). For almost the first half of our relationship, he was my only partner. Depending on what kind of space we were in, I had to either come out as bisexual and not straight (in predominantly straight spaces), or as bisexual and not a lesbian (in predominantly queer spaces). In both cases, there have been times when everything turned out fine and people were kind and accepting, but there were other times when it was quite the opposite. My bisexuality has led to cold shoulders, hateful comments, exclusion, and harassment in both straight and queer spaces.
Now that’s equality! (this is sarcasm, in case you couldn’t tell)
It means I’ve always been coming out, over and over and over again, even now when one of my partners is a cisgender woman. I keep doing it in hopes of reminding people not to make assumptions about anyone, no matter how they present themselves. My dream is to live in a world where no one is presumed straight (or cis) by default, but rather allowed to exist however they like–without fear of stigma, hatred, or violence in response.
It’s also why I’ve been a big supporter of queer community embracing a more expansive approach to how we do things like organize events. I understand very much the urge to create X-only spaces, but in my experience, it tends to lead to a gross kind of policing that often hurts other queer people who simply don’t present or identify in the exact same way as the folks in charge. Too many “gay women’s/men’s only” spaces are just trans-exclusionary, while also forcing bi people to hide their true and full selves.
It’s also just gross when queer spaces/people replicate some of the same bio-essentialist and bigoted positions as the straight, cis world we’re too often oppressed by. No thanks.
For me, bisexuality goes hand-in-hand with my genderqueerness in that it’s all about expansiveness and abundance. It’s a balm and an antidote to the repressive, scarcity-minded culture of cisheteropatriarchy. It’s about joy and possibility. Sometimes it’s about rage, too. Rage against being erased, stigmatized, marginalized, and misunderstood–even by my own community.
No one puts bisexuals in a corner, dammit.
Remember:
Only you get to define yourself. And you’re allowed to change over time.
You are bisexual no matter the gender of the person(s) you’re in a relationship with.
You are bisexual even if and when you are single/solo.
You are bisexual even if you have never had sex with someone of a different and/or same gender as yours.
Being bisexual doesn’t mean we’re attracted to everyone all the time (oof, that would be exhausting). It is not “greedy” to be bisexual.
Bisexual people are no more prone to cheating than anyone else.
So a very happy Bisexuality Visibility Week to all who celebrate (and all who someday will)! Watch “Hackers” or “Dirty Dancing” or whatever your favorite bisexual movie is and light a candle to our Patron Saint of Bi, Alan Cumming. Eat several kinds of cake! Refuse to be pigeon-holed! xoxo
Now Read This.
“Robinia Courtyard: What went wrong at the Madison restaurant group?” [Lindsay Christians for the Cap Times]
Great, local reporting by Lindsay here (an old friend) about the fate of a space that was beloved by a lot of folks, both who worked and played there - including a lot of great queer parties that I got to DJ. In the end, as seems too often the case, it looks like a case of gross mismanagement by a (perhaps well-meaning) man who is simply very bad at running a business but filled with excuses about how it’s everyone’s fault but his own. And somehow hasn’t been sued into oblivion (yet) for serially failing to pay people, and is able to continue operating? Make it make sense. And please stop allowing white dudes to fail ever upward like this.
“Being good is a scam” [Brit at Britchida]
Being good and doing good have almost nothing in common: the first is a survival mechanism learned in childhood and the other is a lifelong creative act. Anyone who was a good girl and lived to tell about it knows the scam. Purity and compliance are equated with morality. Good kids are promised a reward: if you aren’t in trouble, you’ll be safe. It’s a lie, but like most lies told often, it starts to feel true. The only way to be good is to never do anything bad. And there’s only one way to ensure we do nothing bad: do nothing at all.
“Famed Polynesian island did not succumb to ‘ecological suicide,’ new evidence reveals” [Rodrigo Perez Ortega for Science]
Extremely cool study of the history of what Europeans call Easter Island is the result of researchers meaningfully engaging the native people in the process and produces far better information for all, imagine that!
Listen Up/Peep This
If you missed our Damsel Trash 10th anniversary show in August (or want to re-live it), our friend Natalie Hinckley was kind enough to record the whole thing. It’s now up on YouTube for your viewing/listening pleasure.
It was such a ridiculously good time!
Final Frame.
Walter at Milwaukee Street. I love this intersection. One of the last bastions of what this part of Madison used to be, I’m honestly impressed the little farm house and field of corn has persisted for as long as it has. I understand that it’s finally being eyed for redevelopment.
‘Til Next Time.
Free Palestine.
Desperado is my bisexual movie. Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas. Great articles as always Emily!